Gone, but never forgotten.

Friday May 11th 2018. There I was, 38 weeks pregnant crying myself to sleep that night.I had the feeling that something was wrong. I hadn’t felt the baby move in the past hour or so and I found it very weird. I thought maybe I just haven’t really noticed since we were pretty busy around those days with renovating our room, buying a new car and buying final baby stuff. I remember that Friday I washed my hair and did all the laundry because we were literally expecting a baby any minute now and I really didn’t want to go into labor with dirty hair. I told my boyfriend Luis what I was feeling and he agreed with me that maybe me being so busy took away from noticing any baby movements so whatever, I kind of let it go.

Saturday, May 12th 2018. I woke up that morning extra early, drank almost a gallon of orange juice hoping it would make the baby active. I had a huge knot in my stomach and my heart felt sooooo heavy, nothing like I’ve ever felt before. It was time to get up and get ready for my Saturday class and so I did. Almost walking out the door I sat back on my bed debating if I should go to the hospital or just wait until my upcoming appointment on Tuesday. I thought “oh wth let me just go”, because I didn’t like the way I was feeling. I told Luis, who was getting ready for work that I was going to go to the hosp bc I wasnt feeling too well and he called me an Uber right away.

I get to the hospital, let them know that I’m not feeling much movement in there and they start hooking me up to the monitors. This is when things got REAL for me. (And as im writing this my heart is racing because I’m literally feeling as if I’m reliving the moment). As I’m laying down the nurse is looking for the heartbeat. I’m still feeling pretty positive at this point. She turns up the volume to the monitor and tries to find it a second time but nothing happens. This is where my tears start running down my face because although nothing has been confirmed, I start to realize that theres a high chance that my baby boy isn’t alive anymore. A doctor comes in and says to the nurse something along the lines of “oh I’m hearing that you’re not finding the heart beat, let me bring the sono machine”. She brings the sono machine along with like 5 other doctors, nurses or midwives. As she starts scanning for babys heartbeat I can see her face along with everyone else’s face and it’s at that moment that I realized without them telling me anything that my baby was no longer alive. I cover my face and start to ball my eyes out. The doctor holds my hand and says “we’re sorry but your baby no longer has a heartbeat”. Shira, my amazing midwife who happened to be there in the labor and delivery unit that morning walks in and man, I lost it even more. It was like seeing a familiar face made it so much more real for me. She hugged me, we cried together and we hugged some more. She then stepped out and gave me the chance to call someone. I immediately called Luis sobbing and all I could utter was “our baby boy doesn’t have a heartbeat”. He couldn’t believe what I was saying. He asked 100000 questions, “are you sure?” “Can they check again?” “What does this mean?” Etc. I remember crying and saying “babe, our baby boy is gone”. I honestly could not believe I was saying that. I mean for goodness sakes I had just placed an order on amazon for the baby just the morning before and this just seemed too un real. I really couldn’t believe this was happening to me. Then I tried to remember when exactly was the last time I felt any movement and I just couldn’t. Luis was estimated to be there around the next 45 min or so. So for those next 45 min there I was, laying on a bed in the labor and delivery unit, on the 9th floor of Bellevue Hospital (which btw I was born there too). I remember staring out the window in such shock and disbelief and I really just could NOT believe that this was happening to me, that my life had changed so much in a matter of minutes. Luis finally came into the room, he speed-walked towards me, hugged me as I cried and for a moment I felt like I no longer had a heartbeat either. We called our midwife in and Luis asked all the questions he had asked me when I told him the news. She kindly told us that there was nothing that could be done at this point.

“What happens now?,” is exactly what we asked. Our midwife told us that I had to be induced and that we were going to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian). My whole pregnancy I was excited about vaginal delivery because with my first I had a c-section, and this was just not the way I had envisioned it. I almost wanted a c-section again. I mean I just couldn’t imagine pushing a baby out and not hearing a cry, it almost seemed torturous to me. The midwife gave us the option of getting induced right away or waiting until we were mentally and emotionally ready. I decided I wanted to get induced right away and just get this nightmare over with.

The next morning at 8am my midwife walks in to see how dilated I am while I’m half asleep. She says “omg its time to push”. I’m not kidding when I say I have never woken up from a nap so fast. “Time to push?” “Like right now?”. I was kind of excited and then reality hit me harder than a truck going 100 mph. As the nurses are setting up the room for delivery the midwife is talking to me about how the baby might look since we don’t know how long he was in there without a heartbeat. She asked us if we wanted to see him or not, if we wanted to spend some time with him. I was still in shock and didn’t know what I wanted yet. I told her I’d decide once he is born. It was around 8:20 am when I started pushing and at 8:40 am we met our sweet angel Uriel Mendoza weighing in 5 lbs and 14 ounces. Levi’s exact same weight! Such a bitter sweet moment for me, giving birth to our angel baby on mother’s day! It was such a perfect delivery (which I can go more into detail in another post). I Pushed for like 20 min, no tearing and just such a smooth process for me. Everything seemed so unreal still. Not only was my body numb from the epidural but so were my emotions. I didn’t know what to feel or how to feel, as weird as that sounds.

After Uri was born we were able to spend all the time we wanted with him. We spent a total of 4 hours with him. Telling him we love him, taking pictures of him, carrying him, kissing him, crying, and just enjoying every minute of every second.

»Special thanks to the Bellevue midwives and nurses who were MORE than amazing to us! I literally could not have gone through this without every single one of you. You guys know who you are!«

WE LOVE YOU URI!!!

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05/13/2018
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38 thoughts on “Gone, but never forgotten.

  1. I am so proud of your braveness and strength. I know his process has not been easy and may never be but by you telling your story you have the ability to allow other moms experiencing what you’ve experienced find a bit of peace.😊

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  2. Ufff, my dear, god bless you for your strength and courage to share your story with the world! It brings me back to the moment when I saw your text “I lost the baby” in a building with little service. Like Luis, I too had 100 questions. But as I struggled to find service to find out what was going on, I realized what you actually meant 😔

    Always remember, You are an inspiration to all mothers, mothers to be, and those planning to conceive. No matter the journey, motherhood is a beautiful thing! 💚🎀

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  3. Lets f**kn goooo !!!!! Just know I’m in your audience clapping for you yelling like I’m your parent dique “thats my baby !” . Even though I’m not a parent, reading your story put me in the passenger seat of your experience. my soul hugs you Jolanny. You sharing your story was a great decision. Shine that light !

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  4. Inspiring, descriptive, and powerful story. Continue to empower those you love and mysterious people who are also reading this.

    Look forward to hearing more stories / experiences.

    PS: Happy Birthday Cuzzo!

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  5. Wow!! I seriously balled my eyes. I’m sorry to hear you and Luis had to experience this, you are extremely strong and brave!! I will have you in my prayers for God to continue to give you strength. ❤️

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  6. As a women and a mommy to be, I am so proud of you for enduring this experience and speaking of it forward. You are not alone in your healing and your baby boy will always live in your heart. Sending you and your family much love and light ❤️

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  7. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I can’t imagine how difficult this must have been. Thank you for being so strong and sharing your story. I know it will help a lot of women who have experienced this very thing. Praying for you and your family.

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  8. Omg! You are such a strong woman for being able to talk about this. I know Someone going through this would really find some comfort in knowing they are not alone. Sending you guys so much love. #amazing

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  9. Wow. It’s 4 in the morning and I’m tossing and turning worried about a few specialist have to say about my unborn baby. Just knowing that theirs a small possibility that their can be an issue literally drives me crazy. I cry all night, I can barely sleep 😔😔. I’m glad, that at the least, you shared such a heart wrenching story with strength and love. I can’t even imagine your pain dear, but thank you for allowing me see the beauty and love even in such dark times. I’m praying for you and your husbands healing… I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing 💕🙏🏽

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    1. Thank you so much for your amazing words! Dont worry your little baby will be just fine, and if not please know that everything happens for a reason! ❤️❤️❤️

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  10. Wow! You did it! My respect goes out to you. I know this was hard for you my love. But you had the courage to sit there, relive it and write your story (Believe it or not, your story will be part of a lot of different families or mommies all over the world). Im so sorry you had to go through this. Baby Uriel is your beautiful Angel who is protecting your family and who will ALWAYS be with you and Luis. 💜

    PS: Thank you for being extremely STRONG!!!

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  11. I cried reading this. I had no idea what you were going through. Never imagined it. I thought you lost touch because of other reasons, I would’ve never guessed. I wish I was there for you. Your strength is amazing and sharing your experience will connect you with so many people. I love you, JoJo. ✨💕

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  12. You are so strong to be able to tell everyone yours and baby Uriel’s story. You’re such an Inspiration!, not just to the people who know you but to anyone reading your blog. Thank you for sharing with us. I love you, Jewels !! ❤️❤️❤️

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  13. Wow! My heart is so heavy just think how you guys felt though it all but know everything happens for a reason and now you have a little angel looking over your guys. Thanks for sharing your story and helping so may people.

    Liked by 1 person

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