I knew going home was going to be hard, but goodness gracious I NEVER anticipated how hard leaving the hospital would actually be. Out of this whole experience I would say leaving the hospital was the hardest for me. I didn’t want to leave, I didn’t want to accept reality. I felt guilty. Guilty because I was leaving my baby behind. All by himself. Not alive. In a freezer. I knew I would never see or touch him again and every time I thought about that reality I cringed and closed my eyes in pure disbelief.
What only took about an hour seemed to take an eternity. You know when you dread a moment so much and it just seems like its going by so slow? Yup, thats how I felt. Every action I took towards getting ready was just a reminder of this reality that I still till this day is extremley hard to accept. From putting on my maternity pants when I no longer had a baby bump, to packing up his memory box that the midwives and nurses gave me. Leaving the labor and delivery unit was just… bothersome. The whole staff would look at me and just smile with a sad face probably feeling bad and that made me so uncomfortable. I got in the elevator and just started balling! I just wanted to get everything over with. The hallway that connected to the hospital’s exit was so long and that day it felt even longer. We get in the car and I just stare out the window. I was feeling a little mad actually. It made me uncomfortable that everyone was just living their regular lives. Its as if I wanted the world to stop and wanted everyone to notice my pain, notice Uriel.
We finally made it to my grandmothers house. We decided to stay at my grandmothers because I wasn’t ready to leave the hospital and go home to an apartment ready for a baby all in one day. Although I knew it didn’t matter when I went home because the truth was I was never going to be able to go home, see a bassinet next to my bed and be okay. We got to my grandmothers around 2 pm, we ate and fell asleep. We literally slept for about 7 hours straight! I remember we woke up, made our way to the living room and we couldn’t stop talking about how perfect he is. Luis made me a cup of tea and the tea string said “every beat of your heart is a rhythm of your soul” and reading that made me feel so good. I saw it as a sign, I saw that as some sort of connection with Uri.